Psalm 18

I've been kind of struggling lately. There is no reason for it specifically, but I just wanted to remind myself now of how faithful our Lord is in case I walk through another time of ungratefulness. I've always been so performance driven to the point it robs me of enjoyment in almost everything I do. I am so thankful that God doesn't want me to live this way and He is using my sweet children to reveal to me how destructive this way of living can be. I have two beautiful babies that are both sweet as can be, but so often I struggle with finding pleasure in this stage of life and I am seeing so much of this is rooted in wanting to be the best at being a mom. So much of life during the toddler stage is helping these little ones learn self control and I ask myself how can I teach them self control when so often I don't have it. Other times I battle feelings of guilt not wanting to sing the same song for the 15th time or read the same story again. The thoughts that go through my head are I can't wait until he is a little older and he enjoys more of what I like and then I feel guilty for wishing his life away because of my selfishness. Gosh, being a mom is hard at times and I often don't feel like I am equipped. Two weeks ago I think I hit an all time low in this mommy thing. I had the stomach bug that was so out of control painful I wound up in the hospital. I was dehydrated so they gave me an IV which really helped but just when I thought I was on the road to recovery it all started again. It was exhausting. Cory's job is pretty demanding and so it was really not easy for him to take time away, which added to my feeling guilty, taking him away from work and then mad that I was feeling guilty about this and then guilt again because I was mad at this wonderful man that works so hard to provide. All that to say I was sick, sleep deprived and emotionally spent. I couldn't really understand why all this was happening and I definitely was having a hard time seeing this as God not withholding His good. I lost it completely by Friday and just felt like such a failure as a wife and mom and then God being so loving sent us a sweet friend to visit. He reminded me of God's unfailing love and after about a 4 hour conversation with David and Cory I realized God loves me so much that he would let me fail to teach me I am not depending on Him. I have always really looked up to and aspired to be a person who can handle a lot and manage chaos. I struggle with people who seem lazy or weak, but I am so thankful to say that for the first time in 32 years I can see self reliance truly for what it is in the eyes of God. Even today reading in Psalms 18 I am reminded God saves the humble but brings low those whose eyes are haughty. So thank you Lord for loving me enough to allow me to walk through hard times so I can have a little clearer understanding of what truly following you looks like. I pray you keep my eyes fixed on you and not allow me to return to my natural bent to want to bring glory to myself in what I can accomplish.