His faithful pursuit

I tend to worry way too much about the opinions of others, so it is interesting to me to see how God has been growing me in this area. Probably, the biggest gift and tool He has used is the man I married. Cory is very rarely one who struggles with seeking the favor of man, so he sees this quality for the destructive behavior that it truly is and even though he is patient he thankfully has not enabled me to dwell. There are many other unique ways God has exposed this sin to me which I won't go into detail on right now. However currently, He's allowing me to deal with the consequences of putting my foot in my mouth. I recently did something to a friend that other loving friends pointed out was probably not the most sensitive way to treat someone. It crushed me. I felt terrible that I didn't see the hurt that my actions could cause before I made the decision, so that lead me to ask myself why was I so clueless? When I think about it I'll I can come up with is that I was trying to not worry about the opinion of others. Not over analize and worry about if they will be mad at me. It kind of seems silly to me now that I didn't just consider the scriptures and decide if it is something that I would want to be done to me and let that guide my decision, but people pleasing is so much a part of who I am that I'm never sure if the reason I am doing it is truly driven by compassion or more that I want to be liked. I will say that I sought the wisdom of my husband on the issue and he not being sensitive didn't see any harm, but I probably should have asked myself if it would hurt. I tend to be more sensitive. If, I was going to error it probably should have been on the side of compassion. Anyway, all that to say the foot in my mouth incident revealed to me how far I am from freedom in my people pleasing. Every time I think I've gained ground I see that in some ways I have, but I am still so far from being free and I am robbed of the joy I have in Christ. I know it seems extreme but this behavior is like a plague that attacks my whole being. It is a behavior that is destroying me and I hate it and yet I can't seem to change it. But God is so faithful, Tuesday night I was feeling very low and I cried out to the Lord why can't I over come this and why do You feel so far off. Wednesday morning he reminded me how much He loves me. He is right there with me, I just can't see Him because I am too focused on myself. I didn't want to go to Bible Study, because I was tired, it makes a long day for the kids and probably Satan was attacking me and didn't want me to go. Thankfully, I did and I was so encouraged. During our small group time one of the ladies in the group talked about wanting affirmation from others and what a hard struggle it was and as we discussed it, it was as if God was saying to me this is a difficult thing, but there is hope. Don't give up I care for you and if you spend time knowing Me you will find freedom. I needed to get the focus off myself and on Him. Then during big group time this point was hammered home. It really felt like the message was directed right at me. Get the mirror off yourself, off the world and on God. How do you do that? Spend time getting to know Me more intimately. How do you do that? Answer, spend time in HIS WORD. Ultimately, I walked away with seeing my eyes are so often focused on myself and what I am not getting or how I'm feeling that I don't see the bigger picture and what it is I am called to do, love God and make Him famous. I am sure not making Him famous when I am blinded by my self absorption. So today, there is a small step toward freedom. Thank you God for your constant loving pursuit.

Galations 1:10
For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

Psalm 32
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah