Worst and First

Fifteen years ago today was the worst day of my life, but it was also the first day of the rest of my life. I thought I would take this opportunity to write about my awesome bro who I lost 15 years ago today in an auto accident. How is a question I usually get. The short of it is we think he fell asleep at the wheel, went off the road, collided with a huge sign and he was killed instantly. I received the news in a very strange way, but I believe it was God's provision for me. It helped set me up to process it slowly, so I wouldn't fall to pieces.

My brother and I were extremely close. He was 2 years older than me and since we were raised by a signal Dad we really depended on each other. He was my biggest cheerleader and when I say that, I mean it. He believed in me more than anyone else in the world. I had a very low self esteem from childhood to adolescents, but he thought I could move mountains. He never wanted me to settle for less and in a very loving way encouraged me to want more out of life. So, after he died I was determined to live a life that would make him proud. I am so thankful that I was able to have that purpose because the path I was on would have been destructive for me. God knew this and as hard as it was to lose him, the life I was pursuing would have been far worse than missing him. I sit here today longing to experience parenting, adulthood and life with my big brother, but I am so thankful during his time on earth he lived in such a way that gave me the desire to rise above the level I was at. He was the kind of person who was so full of life. He didn't have a shy or insecure bone in his body and whatever he wanted he went after. He was never afraid to fail and was confident he could accomplish anything. (side note: too much fluid on the laptop, my mouse pad isn't working). He knew how to have a good time

He also was a great audience, most people who know me would say humor is not my strength, but I remember many times having my brother rolling on the floor laughing. I do miss being a comedian. (seriously, your mouse pad doesn't work if it has a tear covering.) He was such a family guy and always tried to bring us together as a unit.

I was full of anger in high school, specifically toward my dad and Travy had such a forgiving heart. He was loyal beyond any frustration he had toward someone and tried hard to help me be that way. Forgiveness is still not one of my strengths, but the example he set helps me when my natural response wants to write the person off. His generosity was also pretty amazing. In high school we didn't have much and at one point my dad was donating blood to make it each month. Travis was determined to make holidays a special time and not a brutal reminder of our financial situation. Christmas and Easter of his senior year are an extra special memory to me. He spent all day decorating our small apartment to make it feel like Christmas in the Vannoy house and for Easter he spent his hard earned money on buying Kaycee and I Easter baskets full of goodies and wrote each of us a note full of encouraging words, signed the Easter Bunny. How many 17 year old boys are that thoughtful. I pray I can instill in Caleb the character of Travis Justin Vannoy.

Two things that really stand out to me that I can now see helped guide my steps were first, a few weeks before Travy died he encouraged me to come to church. We always had to go to church growing up, but I wanted nothing to do with it. Mostly, I had a hard heart, but I really think that my Dad wanting me to go drove me from it. All I could see in my father at this point in my life was an angry dictator. Church represented total hypocrisy. I did however value my brothers opinion, so hearing him say that stuck with me. We weren't exactly fully devoted followers of Christ at this stage in life, so losing Travis really forced me to deal with what happens after we die? Second, my sister said shortly before his accident our church did a turn your life to Christ call and she said my brother became committed. There was a lot of comfort in that, but I still wasn't sure if I believed it fully. This is what started my search to answer the questions who is this God and if he really loves me why do I have so much pain in my life. It was a slow process, but I stand here today knowing God is good, He loves me and the pain of this world is never what He desired for us. I can say however that he can use the hurts in our lives to grow and sharpen us. He really can use it for our good. I can say that because I know that losing Travy was so hard and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him terribly, but I know losing him made me take a good hard look at myself, forced me to ask hard questions and gave me the desire to know my Savior in an intimate way. For that I am forever grateful and I am so grateful that I got to spend 18 years with a brother who helped teach me this and that one day I will get to spend eternity with him.