Warped

I would love to say that over the past week God did a mighty work in my heart and that is why I am feeling so much better at this mom thing. However, if I am honest it's pretty much because Caleb's behavior has improved drastically.

Reflecting over the past 3 months we were doing amazingly well. One of my biggest concerns about moving was how Caleb would adjust to such a major life change. Change is usually not his strong suit, but he hadn't seemed even a little phased. He talks about his friends, but always in relation to fun. I was feeling on top of the world. Actually, strongly considering taking on nine months of on and off torture to have one more amazing blessing and that is about the time my world was rocked.

We headed out to Wyoming to visit my family, which is always extremely exciting. Excitement however, is coupled with a little anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the uncertainty of how the kiddos will get along for 9 days. After the first few days the kids were doing amazing sharing, enjoying and playing together.

Then we had a few days of sleep deprivation for Caleb and myself and it seemed as though the wheels fell off. I blew it big time with him. We were having a particularly disobedient morning. He was bored and needed to run and I was tired and not up for the energy of a hyper 3 year old. He got into it with his cousin over a toy, didn't listen to his aunt and then disregarded me. Anger got the best of me and I totally lost my temper. I scared my little buddy and my sweet niece. I felt so bad I wanted to crawl in a hole or at least seek refuge to a safe place. I needed Cory to come to my rescue, but he was 1600 miles away. I felt like a sinking ship. The next few days Caleb's behavior was pretty much the same. Thankfully, I was no longer angry just hopeless. I think that was even harder. Questioning what I am I doing wrong? We got home and I thought things would get better, oh no. He actually started giving heck to Cory, as well. Nap time and bedtime were a beating and he actually was starting to become physical aggressive. I really felt like I was watching an episode of Super Nanny played out in my own home. All I could think was I must be an idiot mom. Clueless to what I am doing to contribute to this behavior. Caleb has definitely challenged me in the past, but we really turned a corner at the 3 year mark and so this backslide was so discouraging. I even had moments where I wanted to live out the scene in YaYa Sisterhood where she just leaves for a stretch, because she is totally overwhelmed and depressed. I felt so guilty about this. How could I be so ungrateful for this amazing life I've been given. Basically, I was at my breaking point and then like the flip of a switch Caleb is back to his mostly happy, compliant self. Yes, bedtime and nap time are still a beating, but his demeanor is different. He is sweet again and not taking every opportunity he can to be mean to sissy or me. I really don't know what changed. All I can guess is God knew this was all I could handle.

I learned a lot over these past 3 weeks. First, that when things get hard I still default to my unhealthy behavior of wanting to run. I am thankful for God's timely message of LOYALTY.

I also see that I'm still so performance driven. While, I think it is so important to strive to do the best we possible can in every endeavor. I also know the pain and heartache that comes from getting my significance from how I measure up. Being a mom is the greatest challenge I've faced. I really think I down played the importance of a mom, being raised by my dad most of my life. Now that I am in this role I realize I have the potential to influence and impact these little ones in such a drastic way. Frankly, that scares the the badonka-donk out of me. When Caleb and even Makaylee start to overwhelm me, I feel so deflated. It really is hard to pick myself up seek forgiveness, forgive myself and know that I can't be perfect. The destruction of being so performance driven. I think God is using my kiddos to drive this characteristic right out of me. I am thankful for that, but it brings me to my knees to know I might screw my kids up in the process. I know part of this is God teaching me total dependence, and that in itself is so hard for me at times to walk in. I grew up thinking you have to depend only on yourself everyone else will fail you. I know God is faithful even to death, but my warped mind has such a hard time grasping this in the mist of my short comings. My hearts desire is for my children to arise and call me blessed. That they are thankful for their mom one day.

For now I am still far from being content in this parenting thing despite my circumstance. However, thankful that today my circumstance is a pleasant and happy little guy and a Mommy who wants to grow and become who God desires me to be.