Equipped

I haven't been real consistent on my posting lately, because every time I think life is going to slow down we get another hit below the belt. The past week and a half Cory has been in Texas. He was down there hunting and then his Dad got put in the hospital. I did fairly well on my own for 11 days, but we are very glad to have him back. Side note, Papa is doing well and was released today from the hospital in Houston.

When you move to a new place obviously people you are sharing life with that know you well are not available. It is a little scary to feel like you are on an island. Especially, when you get one blow after the next. Cory and I historically tend to clash when stress levels get high, but surprisingly we have done really well through this time. We have had heated moments, but thankfully the Holy Spirit has been at work. When everything in me wants to take my life frustrations out on someone I have been able to practice self-control. This is really huge for me. Anger is my struggle and at it's peek is very damaging. I contribute this heart change to my time in The Word. I've been doing a wonderful study called A Heart That Dances, by Catherine Martin. It has given me a real longing for intimacy with my gracious loving heavenly Father.

I am so gratefully for the timing of all this. I know if I hadn't been spending time growing in my knowledge of God I would not have been equipped to handle a difficult situation we encountered with a wonderful couple we recently met. Pittsburgh culturally is very different then Dallas. I love so much about this, but also better understand the need to be fully equipped to rightly handle the Word of truth. This couple has been burned by the church and quite frankly abused by some followers of Christ. My hearts desire is not to be one more couple that throws the Bible in their face. I am told in

2 timothy 2:14-16

not to wrangle about words, which is useless and leads to the ruin of the hearers. Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness.

Where I am going with all this. The couple doesn't want to argue theology which I can totally appreciate. I've been in those types of conversations and often it is just that arguing and no real good comes from it as I think the above verse clearly communicates. However, there are a couple things I believe are important. We must learn from teachers who agree theologically with Scripture and stand firm on issues of the cross. All that being said I am so thankful that after I watched a Rob Bell video at our small group time I wasn't able to rest. I'd never heard of him and I knew nothing about his theological beliefs. It wasn't that anything in the video stood out as errancy, but I couldn't help but wonder the heart behind some of his teaching. I can totally appreciate that he is done with the legalism and religiosity of the church. For anyone out there living that way I would encourage you to read how Jesus felt about this as He address the Pharisees in the Bible. I think when we live Pharisaical lives it grieves the Lord. I pray in my own life God convicts me whenever I think in myself I am righteous. It is only through the blood of Christ that I have been reconciled. But just because there are churches and people out there misusing the Word of God doesn't mean we throw it out as our Authority. We learn the Word for ourselves, so when it is not accurately being taught we can know this. After doing a little research on Rob Bell I found that he may not agree theologically on core issues with Scripture. He has gained so much popularity and notoriety amongst Christians today. I was given information on Rob Bell's Theology as I tried to investigate this teacher. I would encourage you to read it so you can be informed. I listened to a few sermons and not that I am well versed in theology, but nothing stood out in his sermons as false teaching. In fact I agreed with so much that he had to say. I appreciate his heart that we need a lot more love. However, the message of the Cross and not forgetting that sin is devastating seems to be down played. Sin matters to God and someone had to pay the price. So God gave us his son, Christ for payment.

I love that this experience gave me an even greater desire to study and understand the Scriptures. This is something I have earnestly been praying for. It is always interesting to see how God answers prayers. Not always the easy way that is for sure. I am extremely thankful for the gift of discernment and that the Holy Spirit was working and wouldn't let me do what I wanted. I can say I would have much rather continued to hang out and enjoy small group time with other people as I've been pretty lonely at times up here. I am also grateful that before we left Texas God put it on my heart to meditate on

Colossians 2:8

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

I mindlessly put it on the dash of my car before we moved up here and I see now there was intention behind it that only God could foresee. I'm still feeling a little perplexed about being away from the community of believers we were surrounded by for 9 years in Dallas, but I know God has equipped me to be here and I am comforted by

John 15:5

I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Warped

I would love to say that over the past week God did a mighty work in my heart and that is why I am feeling so much better at this mom thing. However, if I am honest it's pretty much because Caleb's behavior has improved drastically.

Reflecting over the past 3 months we were doing amazingly well. One of my biggest concerns about moving was how Caleb would adjust to such a major life change. Change is usually not his strong suit, but he hadn't seemed even a little phased. He talks about his friends, but always in relation to fun. I was feeling on top of the world. Actually, strongly considering taking on nine months of on and off torture to have one more amazing blessing and that is about the time my world was rocked.

We headed out to Wyoming to visit my family, which is always extremely exciting. Excitement however, is coupled with a little anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the uncertainty of how the kiddos will get along for 9 days. After the first few days the kids were doing amazing sharing, enjoying and playing together.

Then we had a few days of sleep deprivation for Caleb and myself and it seemed as though the wheels fell off. I blew it big time with him. We were having a particularly disobedient morning. He was bored and needed to run and I was tired and not up for the energy of a hyper 3 year old. He got into it with his cousin over a toy, didn't listen to his aunt and then disregarded me. Anger got the best of me and I totally lost my temper. I scared my little buddy and my sweet niece. I felt so bad I wanted to crawl in a hole or at least seek refuge to a safe place. I needed Cory to come to my rescue, but he was 1600 miles away. I felt like a sinking ship. The next few days Caleb's behavior was pretty much the same. Thankfully, I was no longer angry just hopeless. I think that was even harder. Questioning what I am I doing wrong? We got home and I thought things would get better, oh no. He actually started giving heck to Cory, as well. Nap time and bedtime were a beating and he actually was starting to become physical aggressive. I really felt like I was watching an episode of Super Nanny played out in my own home. All I could think was I must be an idiot mom. Clueless to what I am doing to contribute to this behavior. Caleb has definitely challenged me in the past, but we really turned a corner at the 3 year mark and so this backslide was so discouraging. I even had moments where I wanted to live out the scene in YaYa Sisterhood where she just leaves for a stretch, because she is totally overwhelmed and depressed. I felt so guilty about this. How could I be so ungrateful for this amazing life I've been given. Basically, I was at my breaking point and then like the flip of a switch Caleb is back to his mostly happy, compliant self. Yes, bedtime and nap time are still a beating, but his demeanor is different. He is sweet again and not taking every opportunity he can to be mean to sissy or me. I really don't know what changed. All I can guess is God knew this was all I could handle.

I learned a lot over these past 3 weeks. First, that when things get hard I still default to my unhealthy behavior of wanting to run. I am thankful for God's timely message of LOYALTY.

I also see that I'm still so performance driven. While, I think it is so important to strive to do the best we possible can in every endeavor. I also know the pain and heartache that comes from getting my significance from how I measure up. Being a mom is the greatest challenge I've faced. I really think I down played the importance of a mom, being raised by my dad most of my life. Now that I am in this role I realize I have the potential to influence and impact these little ones in such a drastic way. Frankly, that scares the the badonka-donk out of me. When Caleb and even Makaylee start to overwhelm me, I feel so deflated. It really is hard to pick myself up seek forgiveness, forgive myself and know that I can't be perfect. The destruction of being so performance driven. I think God is using my kiddos to drive this characteristic right out of me. I am thankful for that, but it brings me to my knees to know I might screw my kids up in the process. I know part of this is God teaching me total dependence, and that in itself is so hard for me at times to walk in. I grew up thinking you have to depend only on yourself everyone else will fail you. I know God is faithful even to death, but my warped mind has such a hard time grasping this in the mist of my short comings. My hearts desire is for my children to arise and call me blessed. That they are thankful for their mom one day.

For now I am still far from being content in this parenting thing despite my circumstance. However, thankful that today my circumstance is a pleasant and happy little guy and a Mommy who wants to grow and become who God desires me to be.